Facebook face-off

It’s possible that the next thirty days might take longer than a month.

After taking a brief break to celebrate my successful attempt at meditating for thirty days in a row, I’m back on course and ready for another round of commitment. But because I am fairly confident I’ll have less of a struggle making myself meditate (it was actually hard NOT meditating yesterday), I’m upping the ante for my next Guided Retreat–and this one might take a while.

And though this is not officially a “30-Day Challenge” (Cheri Huber uses the kinder term of “Guided Retreat” in her oh-so-helpful book Making a Change for Good), I am seriously challenged already, on Day 1. Because I’ve chosen to practice compassionate self-discipline toward my addiction to technology, specifically to superficial connections. More specifically, to my Facebook obsession.

I don’t talk about Facebook much on this blog, and I think that’s a good thing: Aside from using the platform to connect with other yogis, it doesn’t have much to do with my healing journey. (Well, at least not much to do with helping my healing.) But since I’ve selected Facebook as the content through which to observe a process of addiction, the subject must be discussed.

Basically, I look at that website way too much. I have been a member since 2004, which is about as early as anyone who didn’t go to Harvard could be included. I didn’t know what I was signing up for back then, but I sure know what I’ve gotten into now: dependence on content that is mostly meaningless.

I crave connection just like every other human, and the tricky thing about Facebook is that it provides realistic glimpses of authenticity. I break into a genuine smile when I read good news or funny posts from friends and acquaintances, and I have experienced sincere sadness upon encountering upsetting comments. I frequently find links to articles that interest me, and I truly did feel warm and fuzzy when I saw how many people wished me a happy birthday on my wall a few weeks back.

But in addition to finding fleeting moments of value, I have wasted a LOT of time, and made even more assumptions, plenty of which are painful. I have scrolled newsfeeds far beyond the point of necessity. I have searched the profiles of people who are not actively in my life, and at times I have initiated contact of dubious merit. And although my own privacy settings are locked up tight, I have viewed photo albums of total strangers, just because one of their hundred photos tagged someone on my friend list and I am an indiscriminate clicker.

Why do I so frequently engage in petty perusal? I guess that’s what I want to find out. Partly, it’s habit. Regularly clicking on my browser’s “Facebook” bookmark is as instinctive as clicking on “Gmail” after all these years. Partly, it’s boredom or procrastination. At the first hint of idleness, Facebook is a go-to distraction. And partly, it’s that I want to belong. I like knowing what my (digital) peers are up to. It is nice to feel connected.

It’s this last reason that prompts me to explore my addiction as opposed to condemning it. I’m not going on a Facebook fast–the idea of quitting completely not only freaks me out way too much to qualify as a compassionate commitment, but I’m also not convinced total disengagement is the ultimate ideal. What I really want is to better understand why an online entity has such allure, and a thirty day guided retreat will give me the space and structure to investigate.

So, in keeping with the instructions that I select a “clear, compassionate, specific, and measurable goal,” I am limiting my Facebook interaction to three visits a day. If that seems permissive, consider that my previous usage was closer to thirty visits a day. I hope I’m exaggerating that number, but I’m probably not. At any rate, the new allotment is a definite reduction.

It will be interesting to see what my mind tells me as I resist the Facebook clicking…assuming I am able to observe the mind before instinct intervenes. Because this morning I used up one of my three allowances before I was even out of bed, and it happened because I wasn’t thinking: I just checked my email, saw there were photos tagged of me, and, blam. Facebook. Sigh. Two more shots for the rest of the day, or this Day 1 will be repeated tomorrow…