You’re about to read Chapter 26. Want to start this story from the beginning? Go here.
During this time of transition and growth, every day is different.
Today, I feel like it took me two months to realize I got dumped.
Worse, I still love Paul. So much.
Better, I am more willing than ever to let him go.
Integrity is so important
Lesson 26 is about the importance of integrity, which Katherine essentially defines as making your outsides match your insides.
Mind you, there’s nothing morally superior about having integrity.
It’s just that “a lack of integrity simply suggests that one is being an inconsistent person—and an inconsistent person is a disempowered person.”
So in order to own my power, I have to know my truth, and I also have to live it.
Secrets suck
I consider myself to be a pretty open person. Sometimes even too open, although I’m working on that. #boundaries
But although I am pretty about not keeping secrets from others, I do still accidentally sometimes keep them from myself.
This is problematic because, as Katherine puts it, “when we lie to ourselves, we sever ourselves from the source of our power—our own inner truth.”
Case in point, my inability to admit my desire to leave my relationship with Leo, as recounted yesterday in Lesson 25.
As soon as I got honest with myself, I found the strength to get out.
Lesson 26 in practice
In order to form relationships that can withstand the ups and downs of real life, Katherine says we must begin “by building inner congruencies that enable you to stand solidly within yourself no matter what disappointments you may face.”
Agreed.
And this is where my feelings get tricky, because in doing the journal prompts for Lesson 26, I discovered some downright contradictions.
But I also acknowledged that, for now, duality is my truth.
Because in answer to the question, “What lies have I been telling myself?,” I wrote “that I’m over Paul.”
I mean, I want to be over Paul. Everyone says I should move on. I don’t even disagree.
And yet, after responding to the Lesson 26 questions, this is what I wrote:
Ah, fuck, I really do still love Paul so much. I just do. It’s true. I don’t want to dwell and I am willing to move on, and I will trust my intuition and act as I am called, but I also don’t want to pretend or put on a brave face and I ALSO don’t have to be forlorn or heartbroken. I can just be exactly who and where I am, loving him so tremendously and letting him go AND missing him AND recognizing that I deserve 100% AND hoping he might become ready to be that for me AND fully accepting that he might not.
However, even in the face of incongruity, I have never felt more in alignment with myself. For me, this is what integrity looks like:
I can feel exactly how I feel and all of it can be okay. I just need to stay true to my truth, not attempt to match any sort of narrative. No shame in how I feel, no matter what.
Love > fear,
Christina
Want to know what happens next? Proceed to Chapter 27.
Missed what happened before? Go back to Chapter 25, or start from the beginning.
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