Not by a longshot

I’ve been pretty much prepared to get “bad” news for a few days now, because in my experience, more than a week after a final job interview, no news is not good news.

Nonetheless I’ve done my best to stay neutral, persistently telling myself that I wouldn’t really know the answer until I received it, and I’ve kept a bottle of champagne on hand as a reminder that, whatever the outcome, it would be worth celebrating.

So I was surprised but not shocked to find I received an email at 11:41 p.m. last night thanking me for my time and telling me I wasn’t getting a job offer.

When I saw the message at 7 a.m. this morning I expected to feel upset and waited for the tears to come. But they didn’t. Not then, anyway.

I’ve spent three months holding my arms open wide and willingly embracing uncertainty, and in the process have put several aspects of my life on hold. So learning something, anything, inevitably brings stability that I am grateful for.

Now I know what to do next: Send in that wedding RSVP, proceed with vacation plans, sign up for the weekend workshop I’ve had my eye on. Commit to serving my local community with yoga. All very good stuff.

However, I resisted the urge to smother my disappointment with these genuine positives. I got back into bed and lay still in savasana, holding space for any feelings of distress that wanted to surface. Before long I thought, “Oh well, it was a longshot.”

And that’s when I burst into tears.

Tears of joy and relief, in gratitude to my true self for immediately correcting my ego: It was NOT a longshot, not by far! I was and am worthy of the role I won’t be taking on, and the rejection is unrelated to my ability or value, of that much I am sure. To get as far as I did, truly, is an achievement in itself.

How great, to feel sure of my self-worth! Because back when I submitted my application, I did sort of think it was a longshot. I was confident in offering what I had to give, but secretly I suspected I wasn’t good enough. I was, though. I am. More than good enough–the feedback I’ve received throughout three months of scrutiny has made it clear that doubting my talent is not necessary.

All I need is to trust in myself, and as best I can, the universe. Which is pretty much the same thing, as far as I understand. I am not in charge. Obviously this wasn’t the job for me, or I would have gotten it. Simple enough! And I can rest easy in knowing I am cared for, and that something better awaits.