Thank goodness it’s only yoga

So my goal with this blog is to share an honest account of my journey. Which is pretty easy to do when I’m feeling positive, as I have been lately. Of course I didn’t think the roses and rainbows mentality would last forever, but I also didn’t expect to feel so overwhelmed after, um, the first day.

Sure, yesterday was technically the beginning but it was also basically a pep talk whereas today we got down to business. I was in my element during the morning session, taking copious notes as a special presenter reviewed the history of yoga and touched upon several ideas I’ve already begun to explore in this blog, so I felt encouraged and extremely engaged.

But even though the talk ran forty-five minutes into our lunch hour we weren’t given extra break time–nor was that fact communicated–which meant that although I only left the room for seventeen minutes, I still missed roll call and found myself in the uncomfortable position of defending my tardiness. (The staff is big on punctuality, which I totally support, hence me taking a seventeen-minute lunch.)

I guess since I’m supposed to be finding my voice I should have spoken up about the injustice but to be honest I am a little intimidated by my instructors. They said not to be, just like they said it doesn’t matter what clothes you wear–but all four of the ladies who led the afternoon session wore Lululemon and I couldn’t help but notice.

I am well aware that my insecurities alter my perception; in particular I have had past struggles with wanting to be like the pretty popular girls. But I am trying to focus on the present. These women seem like genuinely wonderful people, and someday, maybe even soon, I will feel close and connected to them (though I can’t imagine spending $70+ on stretchy pants).

In the meantime, after hearing their confident assertions all afternoon and then having the chance to try my hand at instructing a partner through a basic flow of poses–and instantly realizing how hard it is–I am feeling inadequate and discouraged.

Because I still think I’ve got potential, but I’ve also got a loooong road to travel before I’m true teacher material. I am undeniably challenged, and so it makes sense that doubt would surface. So I will accept my feelings and understand that they will pass. And I know what to do in order to gain confidence: my homework. I need to learn the sequence and create my dialogue and I need to attend class and improve my practice.

I will certainly do all those things and felt pressured to begin immediately–but if I had stayed for the vinyasa class I am sure I needed, I would have missed connecting with a dear friend who is visiting from another country. So instead I went to my dinner and allowed myself to enjoy it, and then I came home and listened to an online dialog while taking notes on favorite phrases for future use. I’m relieved to remember that tomorrow is a new day with fresh opportunity for learning and growth, and, as the online instructor said, “sometimes it’s good to remember that it’s only yoga.”