You’re about to read Chapter 22. Want to start this story from the beginning? Go here.
I think Week 4 and I are going to get along juuuuust fine.
Of course, after making it through Week 3, probably anything would seem like a breeze.
Bring on the vision
I am still recalibrating from all that release.
It feels surreal, to be so suddenly free.
Like, I’m not even sad about Paul!
I mean, if I think about him too much I am. But, as I noted back in Lesson 4, “I can’t trust that all is well if I believe that Paul’s absence is a problem.”
I knew that was true when I wrote it, but now I feel it, too.
I guess it just took a while (and a good deal of action) for the wisdom to sink in.
In any case, I was able to approach Lesson 22 from a place of peaceful anticipation.
I am inspired by possibility
In Lesson 22, Katherine distinguishes between “visualization” and “visioning.”
Visualizing is mental—creating an internal image of what we desire and allowing our hearts “to feel the feelings that would accompany the having of it.”
Visualizing is effective, but it’s not as powerful (in my experience) as visioning.
Visioning is spiritual—it’s less about conjuring up specifics and more about going “straight to a whole new set of possibilities for our lives.”
For me, visioning is about surrender. Rather than attempting to determine how things should look, I want to be open to possibility.
Ah, now I understand what my spirit guides were trying to tell me
A week or so ago my guides gave me a message that completely parallels the point of Lesson 22:
You have the vision for the union and the apartment and the many ways in which it could work. And we do not wish to diminish your vision only to point out its limitations. Expansion has no limits and there is no outcome you can actually control. So pray for partnership since that is what you desire and beyond that simply pray for peace. Attach no specifics so that the greatest amount of possibility is possible.
In other words, having vision is fine, but it inherently involves limits.
Desiring possibility, on the other hand, is exponentially expansive.
Less past, more future
“A person who is committed to creating a loving, spiritual partnership in the near future behaves differently from a person who is still dealing with a series of failed relationships and identifies him or herself as being a person who has difficulty in intimate relationships.”
[insert raised hands emoji here]
I cannot even begin to tell you how good it feels not to identify as a person who has difficulty in intimate relationships.
Nor do I believe my relationship with Paul was a failed one. In fact, it continues to uplift me and help me grow, even in this weird maybe-limbo-maybe-over phase.
Still, for my intents and purposes, Paul is presently in the past, and I am focused on living into the future.
Maybe he’s part of that future, maybe he’s not. It’s not for me to say.
Which is exactly why the homework for Lesson 22 was exactly what I wanted: an opportunity to yield to the universe.
Lesson 22 in practice
Meditation time!
God, I love meditation.
I still resist it of course, even after all these years, but if I can convince myself to just. sit. down…I am never sorry after.
For Lesson 22, Katherine asks to “do a visioning” by sitting quietly, getting centered, and then considering three questions.
“What does the fulfillment of love look like in my life?”
Instead of trying to answer, I let the answers come to me. And when they came? Oh, were they lovely.
sharing a home, sharing meals, supporting each other’s dreams, confiding in each other, praying together, deep commitment to never leaving, so much tenderness and understanding. lots of laughter, transparency, both earning a lot of money. counting on him to be there for me, joining our families; traveling to speak where I am needed, feeling secure while I’m away/we’re apart; he’s so proud of me; he’s content with his own accomplishments and supportive of mine; I have a public life that is rewarding and of service and our private intimacy is a haven I come home to. we share a beautiful sunlit home with so much space. we each have our own space. Maybe we have a child. It is not a sacrifice. He is so kind. Clever and wise. Funny and fair. we make each other laugh. we have faith. we tell the truth. He is excited for me to grow bigger.
I decided to share everything that came through with you (my dear nonexistent reader) because that vision felt so astonishingly inspiring and true.
Not like fantasy or projection or even a wish list, although looking back at it now it sort of reads like one.
Just, like, that paragraph of fragments is definitely going to be my life, and there’s no need to keep it secret.
“What would I have to give up or release in order to manifest this vision?”
This question was a little more challenging, but the nice thing about meditation is that even when it’s hard it’s still easy.
You just sit there until you receive what you need.
Fear of being consumed, attachment to a specific outcome (Paul), resistance to becoming rich; insecurity about my abilities; seeing myself as small or less than or a wannabe; thoughts that I’m not good enough; that someone like him is out of reach
And indeed, I received plenty to unpack—and that I’m eager to release!
Fortunately, thanks to the grueling work of Week 3, I am well equipped to let go of whatever I choose.
And I am also ready to embrace what I desire.
“What is it that I would have to embody or become in order to manifest this vision?”
The third and final question = #goals
full confidence in my power, comfort in my abilities, owning my full power/strength, taking up more space, assuming the stature/status I want to attract, be willing to succeed and take full responsibility for my success, “holding my own”
Yes. Okay. I’m on it.
I am committed to HOLDING. MY. OWN.
And you know what?
Even just sitting still long enough to ask those questions and receive all that info is helping me feel stronger and more confident. (Much like the new Kelly Clarkson album, just saying.)
And certainly sharing all this right now on the Internet is giving my bravery a boost.
Which is great, because I’m gonna need a lot more strength, confidence, and bravery if my vision is telling the truth.
And I choose to believe it is.
Love > fear,
Christina
Want to know what happens next? Proceed to Chapter 23.
Missed what happened before? Go back to Chapter 21, or start from the beginning.
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