You’re about to read Chapter 10. Want to start this story from the beginning? Go here.
Today was a long day and all I want to do is meditate and then sleep. So it’s a relief that I don’t have much to say about Lesson 10.
[Editor’s Note: That last sentence proved to be highly inaccurate.]
Toxicity-free is the way to be
Lesson 10 is about letting go of toxic ties and I can honestly say I have very little to release. Of course there is always work to do, layers to shed, depths to plumb.
But for the most part, I stopped spending time with energy drains more than a year ago, and I have never been happier.
Boundaries are the best
Before 2010 I had truly never heard the term “boundaries.” I literally did not know what they were. And my codependent, highly toxic relationship clearly evidenced that fact.
I finally learned what boundaries were from watching a Netflix video during my “summer of self-help.”
At that point I’d been living in a studio apartment with an abusive partner for about two years. I was deeply unhappy, but I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving him to face his demons alone. As a compromise, I took a summer sublet from a friend in grad school so that I could “work on my writing.”
But what I really did was read.
I read Codependent No More. I read Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. I read Do I Have to Give Up ME to Be Loved by GOD? I read Recovery of Your Inner Child: The Highly Acclaimed Method for Liberating Your Inner Self.
If I’d known about Calling In “The One,” I probably would have read that too.
I also watched a lot of Netflix. Mostly fun stuff like Muppet movies, but somehow I stumbled across a family education course on boundaries.
I don’t remember the video’s title and there is no trace of it on the streaming service now. But thank goodness it was available then.
Because, boy, did I need to learn about boundaries.
I wish I could remember more of the specifics of that video—I know the production values were awful, and I think diagrams were involved? One thing is for sure: it made a big impact at the time.
Even so, that September I did move back in with my boyfriend. (Let’s call him Leo.) But I realized my mistake soon after, and by January I was gone for good.
Energy drains are the worst
I learned so much from Leo.
He didn’t quite make it onto my “loss list” from Lesson 8 because I never thought I wouldn’t survive his absence.
More like, I survived because of his absence. (Ha! Ha.)
But our breakup was still wrenching, and leaving gave me so, so much.
I learned you can love someone and also walk away.
I learned that it is always a choice to stay.
And I learned that I deserve whatever I decide.
If your relationship with yourself is healthy, it’s hard to be toxic with anyone else
When I was with Leo, I did not love myself.
I wanted to love myself. It was an appealing concept, for sure.
But it was so much easier to love him—also to blame him, to wait for him, to want for him to change.
Thank god I discovered god during that time, because spiritual connection is absolutely what saved me.
And it wasn’t god in the form I grew up with, either. That god and I were on the outs.
The god I met during one of my life’s lowest points showed up in a hot yoga studio, with the echo of my own voice.
The temperature was above 100 degrees and the humidity was so thick I could barely breathe. It was near the end of class and I was hurting, exhausted, spent.
I was kneeling, folded over, tears mingling with the sweat on my cheeks, when I heard it.
“I love you so much,” the voice said, loud and clear in my head.
It was my voice. Repeating a phrase I’d told my partner a thousand times, with the same sincere and emphatic tone. But this voice was talking to ME.
My voice, telling me I loved me. So much.
That was the beginning of everything better.
Sometimes better takes time
What interests me now is that I left Leo in January of 2011, but I didn’t stop spending time with energy drains for another six years.
Because five years later, Jim was my next real relationship, and that was toxic too.
The toxicity was different. Much more subtle, especially at first. But ultimately, it was as Katherine says:
“Many of us have have made choices out of the most needy, dependent parts of ourselves and then suffered the consequences of feeling the dreadful, dull ache of being stuck in a relationship that has absolutely no chance of a future.”—CITO p.65
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and I’m gonna learn my lesson and be extremely careful about who I get involved with going forward.
Paul is not toxic.
Paul is pure love.
I mean, we all are, really, but he wears his sincerity impressively close to the surface.
“Real love will never use fear, obligation, or guilt to influence you.”
That is a key takeaway from Lesson 10, and I am so grateful to have experienced so much proof of that truth.
Not only with Paul—I have lots of real love in my life these days.
But also? Definitely with Paul.
Lesson 10 in practice
Lesson 10’s homework is important, and I did it, but there isn’t much to talk about.
That’s because my list of what relationships I suspect may qualify as a “toxic tie” was very short. And the questions to bring clarity to those relationships helped me see I have already taken positive action to address the issues.
In other words, my boundaries are ON POINT these days.
It feels amazing.
And no matter what happens with Paul, I am grateful for the nontoxic time we shared.
Love > fear,
Christina
Want to know what happens next? Proceed to Chapter 11.
Missed what happened before? Go back to Chapter 9, or start from the beginning.
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