Allowing Loss (Lesson 8)

You’re about to read Chapter 8. Want to start this story from the beginning? Go here.

I hate it when my therapist makes me think.

I shared with her today about my “had been” heartbreak, and she was not impressed.

She pointed out that my narrative was unsubstantiated and also that my choice to reach out to Paul was more about me than about him. And that doing so gave him a dilemma, which he responded to the best he could.

Which, in light of the reading for Lesson 8, makes me wish I’d just allowed the loss.

Not connecting is a loss

To be clear, I do not regret what I did. But it’s true that my action was about me—who I needed to be, and what I wanted Paul to see.

Yet a text message is not true connection.

True connection is not possible for us right now. Our relationship is currently void.

And since I do fully get that now, I can focus on what this loss can gain.

To every loss there is a gain

Do not even try me right now with that business about doors closing and windows opening and whatnot.

I know all that is true, but at present I’m still reeling from the slam of the door.

(Except, it wasn’t even a slam. More like, it took me two months to notice it was shut. Sigh.)

But there is no denying that, as Katherine says, “each gain in life represents the loss of something else.”

And I completely agree that “one of the most important skills we can acquire in life is the ability to respond well to loss and disappointment.”

And I understand that everything is already all right.

I just also feel sad. But at least I am willing to feel.

I can allow loss without distraction

It would be sooooo easy to run away from this pain, to bury it in a bunch of first dates or even a good ol’ fashioned Netflix binge.

I could even (quite reasonably!) justify throwing myself into my business.

But to a large extent, my business entails self-growth, and Katherine makes clear what is required:

“In order to live rich and meaningful lives, we must learn to undergo the necessary losses of life without having to distract ourselves with drama, or be rescued form the unknown. We must learn to move forward even when we are afraid, embracing the very losses that we have been trying to avoid.”—CITO p.55

And I can do it. I can show up for this experience, this loss, this learning.

As always, music helps

Also, there’s a song I love—“Featherstone” by The Paper Kites—whose lyrics have been in my head all day:

and my love is yours but your love’s not mine /

so I’ll go but we know I’ll see you down the line /

and we’ll hate what we’ve lost but we’ll love what we find…

Both Lesson 8 and those lyrics are bringing me comfort today.

I do hate what I’ve lost. But I also have faith that I’ll love what I find.

Lesson 8 in practice

Part of the homework for Lesson 8 was to make a list of at least three losses we’ve suffered (and thought we wouldn’t survive) and our subsequent gains.

At the top of my list was Tyler.

He was my first real love, my best friend through high school and into college. We had plans to get married but broke up instead.

Man, I thought I’d never get over him!

But I did. Granted, it took the better part of a decade, but I did it. And in the process I got so very many gains.

I got big-city independence instead of small-town parenthood. I got the chance to get to know myself on my own terms, to discover the importance of self-care. And I got to be at the forefront of online dating in the early aughts! (That’s a…good thing, right?)

And if it weren’t for losing Tyler, I might never have been lonely and hopeful enough to come up with the idea for my first book. A book that I eventually wrote and published and that might even become a TV show(!!!).

So, yeah.

Not only did I get over Tyler, I am grateful we didn’t work out.

I do not feel that way about Paul.

But I can still see that our time apart, however long it lasts, is serving me well.

I almost feel guilty to admit that, but it’s true.

And I hope it’s true for him too.

Love > fear,

Christina

Want to know what happens next? Proceed to Chapter 9.

Missed what happened before? Go back to Chapter 7, or start from the beginning.