The Nature of a Soul Connection (Lesson 6)

You’re about to read Chapter 6. Want to start this story from the beginning? Go here.

It feels like Paul and I are over for real.

On the plus side, Lesson 6 now holds more appeal.

Last night, Lesson 6 made me cry

Lesson 6 is all about releasing preconceived notions of how “The One” might show up in your life.

As Katherine puts it, “you must look for ‘The One’ with your heart and not with your expectations or your hormones.”

This is rock solid advice. Only, I don’t need it.

I’ve already learned this lesson.

Case in point, Jim looked exactly like what I was expecting/wanting, and he turned out to be completely wrong for me.

Meanwhile, Paul was not anything I was looking for, and yet he was exactly who I needed.

(In fact, in regards to Paul, I had specifically decided not to pursue men like him—aka musicians—and yet our connection developed anyway, organically and with ease.)

And yet Paul? He’s gone.

Sometimes maybe doesn’t cut it

Maybe Paul will come back. But I can’t count on it, and after today, I don’t want to.

Last night I reviewed the assignment for Lesson 6 and it brought me to tears because I felt so much recognition and resistance.

The assignment was another meditation. We’re supposed to get still and release all our tension, and then imagine what it might feel like (not look like!) to be in relationship with “The One.”

“Imagine laughing freely, crying freely, and telling him a secret about yourself, knowing that you will not be judged but only valued and loved. Imagine what it is like to know that you are this safe, this appreciated, and this cherished.”—CITO p.42

This exercise was not a visualization for me. It was a memory.

Freely laughing, crying, sharing, loving, cherishing…that is exactly what I had with Paul. And now I do not have him.

So, yeah, I was hesitant to imagine an ideal that had already appeared.

I am reluctant to visualize this again, anew, I wrote in my journal. I don’t want to erase what we already share. But I guess I am supposed to use the past tense?

Yep. It’s time for the past tense

It’s almost eerie that last night I was questioning whether Paul and I “share” a connection or whether we ”shared” one, because today he made things clear.

I reached out because it’s a significant day for him, akin to his birthday if not more important.

And since our recent communication on his birthday was a success, I figured I could handle one more attempt at maturity before backing off for the next couple months (at least).

Well, so much for figuring!

Because although I reached out with the best of intentions, his reply broke my heart.

And all because of a helping verb.

A helping verb that was, you guessed it, in THE PAST TENSE.

Out of respect for privacy I won’t quote his message verbatim—actually, you know what, yes. Yes I will. This is (part of) what he said:

“Our connection had been one of many wonderful gifts…”

EXCUSE ME, “HAD”?!?!

HAD? Our connection had been?

Last I checked—last he told me, our connection was not going anywhere; our relationship was simply on pause so he could sort out some stuff.

Granted, the kind of pause where it’s anyone’s guess what will happen next. But not the kind of pause that warrants a “had been” when it comes to connection.

“Has been,” fine. That implies a past and who knows what else. But “had been”? That clearly indicates “no longer.”

And maybe I am reading too much into a helping verb. I am aware that texts are two-dimensional and not generally worthy of intense scrutiny. So it’s possible I am overanalyzing.

But honestly? I doubt it. He and I both love words, and we are careful with them.

I have always been able to trust him to say exactly what he meant, and I don’t know why today would be any different.

Today, Lesson 6 makes me want to try

So, yeah. Today a “had” (re)broke my heart.

It sucked, I cried, I called some people.

And now I’m moving on.

Because my life is going well, and it is getting better.

Yes, for sure, I was wanting to share all the goodness with Paul.

I really was. I still had hope.

But hope isn’t helping me now, and I am more interested in feeling healthy than in holding on.

So the letting go that Lesson 4 leaned into? Consider it leveled up.

I will get still, and I will imagine what relationship with my heart partner feels like.

And the love will be in present tense.

Love > fear,

Christina

Want to know what happens next? Proceed to Chapter 7.

Missed what happened before? Go back to Chapter 5, or start from the beginning.