A return to consciousness, in real time

I just took a short workshop on how to teach beginners yoga and I am now in an advanced state of overwhelmed.

Deep breath. And another. Okay. That’s a bit better.

I had semianticipated a reaction like this which is why I was planning to immediately head over to the studio where I did my teacher training and take a cathartic class in my comfort zone.

But. The workshop ran over, and I was nearly persuaded to stay and take a class there, until I realized it would be for ninety minutes and I didn’t have time. So here I am, brimming with anxiety and insecurity, with a mat strapped to my back but nowhere to lay it down.

Except, is that really true? Breathe… No, it’s not. There’s a park on my way home and my empty apartment awaits as well. There are plenty of places where I can connect my breath with my body, including right here, right now, standing still on a side street and noticing what is happening in my mind.

I am freaking out–and almost ready to use the past tense, by the way, thank you breath–because the self-hate that lurks in my mind wants me to believe I am lacking, that I can’t or won’t be a good teacher. That not recognizing the Sanskrit terms the teacher casually threw about today somehow means my recent education is moot, that I didn’t learn what I should have. That I don’t know how to correctly share knowledge.

But you know what, self-hate? Me and my breath are on to you. We know that you take advantage of new and unfamiliar situations to inject me with fear and doubt, and fair enough, it almost worked.

But I’ve been meditating, ten minutes every day for almost a week now, and those tricks are already less effective. So while sure, I was shaken enough to come to a halt and write a blog post from the sidewalk, you lose. I’ve breathed through it and am already feeling better.

The fact that in many ways I’m still a beginner myself can be inspiring instead of intimidating. I get to choose, and so I do: Breathe in, peace out, keep calm, and yes, carry on.